The Drawbacks of Online Dating

It is difficult to meet the right person in this day and age, and is not made easier by the pressures placed on us not only by friends and family, but also by most television shows and print media, a fair percentage of songs, books and films, and almost every advertisement you see. It is easy to understand why people will look to the Internet to solve the problem. Being able to use the Internet to look for love removes a lot of the hurdles from the process. However, the process is far from foolproof.

Even before Internet dating became a popular method of looking for the right person, there was a swell of opposition to it. Someone who appeared charming and well-mannered on the Internet could, it was argued, be horrible in person. The Internet allows a certain amount of your character to stay hidden. The old cliché of a 53-year-old man posing as a 21-year-old may be a well-worn one, but only because there have been cases where that exact thing has happened – and worse things than that are not unknown.

Even if a potential dating partner does not deliberately mislead with their profile, they can turn out to be missing a certain spark “in the flesh”, sometimes because their personality comes across better when they have time to think about their responses. Some people are just shy. If you persist with them, they may come out of their shell – but a judgement call has to be made at some point, and you cannot wait forever for that glowing personality to replicate itself in the here and now.

Dating Pitfalls #3 – Appearing to be Something You Aren’t

There is a natural tendency for people entering a new relationship to try and make themselves appear to be something more than they believe themselves to be. The thought process behind this is fairly rational, up to a point. The attitude that many people have goes something like the following: “He/she cannot possibly be interested in me for who I am. I’m too boring – I need to appear more interesting.”. Although this is a perfectly common rationale, it misses one key point – he or she clearly is interested. Any pretence is unnecessary. If you want to be more interesting, it needs to be a decision made for you. Only then can you fully commit to it and do it properly.

The problem with artifice and pretence is that they require a lot of work in order to be convincing. Honesty really is the best policy and not only because it is morally the right thing, but also because honesty is the natural thing. Telling the truth relies only on remembering what you have done. Lying relies on remembering what you have said, without the concrete memories to back it up. Sooner or later, you forget what lies you have told and you trip yourself up.

Being honest is rewarded with trust. If you tell a lie and are caught out, you lose a bit of trust, and once that goes it almost never returns. If you are later suspected of having done something of which you are truly innocent, your previous lie will work against your partner believing you. So even if it is only because of how it may come back to haunt you, be honest and be yourself.

Don’t Give Up Hope – Keep Trying

Whatever method of dating you attempt, there is always the chance that the early days will be marked more by failure than by success. It is hard not to be disheartened by this, and there is little that anyone can say to make it feel less painful. As much as these pieces of advice sound like fraudulent cliché, the truth is that very often it’s not anything that’s wrong with you, that sometimes the timing is wrong, and that as long as you stay true to yourself there will be people who find you attractive. As tempting as it may be to wallow in self-deprecation, keeping faith has to be the strategy for you.

If a date goes wrong and you don’t hit it off, it is not because you yourself are fundamentally flawed. For two people to meet and get along brilliantly right away is incredibly rare. We all put up shields – otherwise we would be running around telling everybody what we thought of them, and we would be locked up or beaten up. It takes time. The fact is that sometimes you have to trust that your luck will pick up. If you don’t accept that you need to wait, you can end up convincing yourself that someone utterly unsuited to you is your soulmate – and creating a very problematic situation.

Accept that these things take time, and you will be much of the way towards getting it right. Don’t try to force it and don’t give up. Just show your best side at all times and it will happen for you.

Advantages of speed dating

In terms of popularity, speed dating has become very big since the start of this decade, as it can remove a lot of the searching from the process of finding the right partner. People have taken to speed dating in a big way because, for the most part, it takes away some of the awkwardness of looking for a partner.

When trying to find someone with whom to share the dating experience, there is a certain amount of dread attached to approaching someone who may or may not be “available”. They may be in a relationship, they may be taking a voluntary break from dating altogether, or they may be interested in a different sort of person. However valid and inoffensive their reason for passing on the opportunity, it still hurts to be rejected. At a speed dating event, it is clear that everyone is there for the purposes of meeting a potential dating partner. If they then do not want to date you, it is just a matter of taste. Hard to accept, maybe, but at least there is clarity.

As well as this, speed dating allows you to meet the person face to face and see if you feel a connection before embarking on a “real date”. Sometimes a first date, especially a “blind date” can be a harrowing and embarrassing experience for both people because they simply do not “hit it off”. Speed dating gives you the chance to see if the spark is there before investing unrealistic expectations.

The Advantages of Internet Dating.

Online dating has come a long way since the early part of the decade, when people would often react with horror if you so much as suggested dating someone from the Internet. “They could be anybody!” was a common refrain, not to mention the impression that people had of regular Internet users – generally an unflattering one to say the least. Even couples who met over the Internet and went on to hit it off fantastically well would, more often than not come up with a cover story to avoid the mockery of others. Today, that has changed to a large extent.

Online dating site memberships have gone through the roof in recent years. Meeting someone new can be very difficult in the everyday situations we all face. Finding love in the workplace can be tricky, all the more so if an intended suitor rejects your advances, or worse still if you date for a while and then break up – always a difficult situation. Meeting someone online allows you to take things at your own pace, takes a lot of the awkwardness out of giving good or bad news, and allows you to pull the plug if someone who seemed charming turns out to be awful.

Online dating sites also allow you to hone your search for the right person. If you have a specific “type” of person that you prefer to date, you can specify that your search results include only that type of person. Maybe it removes some of the romance and the thrill of the chase, but it improves the chance of meeting the right person.

Know When To Talk and When To Listen

The joys of dating are many and varied, and experiencing them all is a part of life that should be appreciated for the rare gift that it is. Being in the company of someone who makes you laugh, someone who looks at the world in a way that endears them to you, and someone who knows how to make you feel good is a feeling that cannot be bought. However, it is rare that this will happen naturally on the first meeting. If you are going to employ a strategy where dating is concerned, the most important thing is to make sure that you do not make yourself look either arrogant or meek. Being interesting company requires a balanced approach.

The key to this approach is knowing when to talk and when to listen – or as some would have it, when to talk and when to stop talking. You need to get the balance right. Staying silent all the time will make your date wonder what is wrong with you – or what is wrong with them. Either way it can bring a date to a disappointing end. Talk about yourself, but do not feel the need to share every detail about you. “I like to go to the movies every couple of weeks – even if there’s nothing good on it can be fun to see a stinker” is pretty good. “When I was seven I locked my sister in the garage for six hours” is not. Gauge their reaction and listen to what they have to say too. Don’t get drawn into feeling that the sole purpose of listening is to have something to do while waiting to talk again. A steady flow of conversation is a prime sign of a good date.

Be Yourself – A Cliché, But A True Cliché

The undeniable truth that everyone who has ever had a bad date can tell you is that sometimes the spark just is not there, no matter how much you want it to be. A personal connection is not something that you can manufacture and if it isn’t there at all on the first date, the chances of it appearing later on are limited. Rather than blaming anyone, or trying to invent a feeling that isn’t really there, sometimes calling time and parting the ways is the most grown-up reaction. It is easy to get drawn into believing that you need to conform to a certain stereotype, and go into a date with that in mind. This strategy is doomed to fail.

One of the most frequently used pieces of advice anyone will ever hear is “be yourself”. It has been known to send individuals into a furious rage at the mere use of the first syllable. People do not like cliché, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes clichés become clichés because they are true. And you would be well advised to always try to be yourself, for one very good reason if nothing else – eventually, if you put on an act, that act will come to pieces. At that point it is a lot more difficult to regain your dignity and someone else’s trust than if you were honest to begin with.

You can’t make anyone like you if there is no connection there – but if someone is going to like you, it’s better that they like you for you.

Dating Pitfalls #2 – Coming on too Strong

There is little doubt that a new relationship can put a spring in your step. Just knowing that someone considers you to be worth spending time with, and that they are someone you would be happy with, makes a big difference. There are also drawbacks to this feeling. It is all to easy to fall quickly and deeply for someone, and it is not uncommon for people’s work to be affected because they spend any time that they have apart from their new love thinking about them. At its worst, it can lead to paranoia about the relationship ending suddenly.

Although it is completely normal to become smitten with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, it is important to proceed with caution. The temptation may be to call them a few times a day, give them gifts whenever you see them and write to them when you are neither with them or talking to them – love can easily be that powerful. However, it is important to be conscious that appearing too keen can spook someone. They may feel that they have to live up to an impossible impression, or that you want something more than they do – or just that you are getting too involved too quickly.

If you have to make a conscious effort to find other things to do with your time, then that is what you must do. Placing undue pressure on a relationship does no good – it needs time and space to grow healthily. Though this may be difficult to keep to, you need to give yourself the best chance of making things work.

Creating an Online Dating Profile – The Dos and Don’ts

• Do choose a photograph where you are well-dressed. It is not necessary to get dressed up and have a photo taken professionally, but one where you are wearing a faded t-shirt and a hat shaped like a beer can won’t do.

• Don’t lie to make yourself appear more impressive. If you are going to be dating someone who has read your profile, at some point they will get to know the real you. If they find that you lied in the first place, they will lose a lot of trust in you.
• Do make your personality come across as well as possible. If your sense of humor has been complimented by a lot of people, make a few self-deprecating jokes. Nothing that comes across as self-pity, and equally you should avoid coming across as arrogant. “I’m an international business tycoon – I’ve sold DVDs online to people in Japan and in Brazil” – something unfunny but cute like that works wonders.
• Don’t sound desperate or resentful if you haven’t had good luck before. A comment like “Are there any good men/women out there?” makes it sound like you are bitter. Even if your past hasn’t been glittering, good people exist. They won’t be attracted by self-pity, though.
• Do make yourself sound fun. This does not mean liberal use of exclamation marks and the word “crazy”, however you choose to spell it. Talk about things you enjoy and appear passionate. There are few things more attractive than someone who is enthusiastic and literate.

Dating Pitfalls #1: The case of the ex

When embarking on a dating relationship with someone new, it is important to be aware of the ways that things can go wrong, and to avoid these as far as possible. The unavoidable fact is that many times, a new relationship can follow on the footsteps – for you or for the person you are dating – of a relationship which ended recently. This raises the very difficult question of how to deal with the ex. The end of a relationship invariably generates strong feelings, and it is how these feelings are dealt with that can make or break a new relationship.

For the person who is coming off a broken relationship, the range of possible feelings is extremely variable. It may be that you (or the person you are dating) still have feelings for the ex, especially if it was they that broke it off. The question of whether someone in such a situation should be dating at all is a tough one. It can help in getting over the old relationship, or it can complicate the new one. Additionally, there is the question of bitterness. If a person recently out of a relationship talks in a bitter, even insulting manner about an ex, it will invariably raise the question “Will they talk about me like that if we don’t work?”.

It is important that there is honesty in any relationship. Without it, a relationship will wither and die on the vine. Confront any old feelings before going any further, and you have a chance. Letting them fester will just ruin anything good that you could have.

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